MSN & Insecurities

Life somehow had taken a different turn for me. When I was a young aspiring chap, I sought to solve every friend problems, be it personal or professional. Then when you realized nobody gonna ever thank you if you settled it for them. Or just plain ungrateful, bit by bit, the passion I had for people faded.

It wasn’t drastic, but gradual. It ebbed and ebbed like a wave from the sea, drawing everything back to my inner most self. The wall of insecurity build up to protect from people who never fails to schemes, the world start calling you.. “ANTI-SOCIAL”.

How much I had done for people around me. Nobody knows. How much I have achieved, I dare not count. I seek no compensation, but appreciation, and received none.

Like the scene from the movie KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, the king of Jerusalem tells Orlando Bloom, “protect the people in your lands, and if so one day I am incapable of protecting myself, perhaps one day I would need your help of protection too”

I need people to save me sometimes. I am afterall, but a mere mortal.

Working life drifted in, the young 20-something coming to a big 3-O. social circle become smaller, work become loaded, and finances came as heavy as the clouds on a rainy day.

MSN become my solitude to the world. The only place I could be reachable when you couldn’t see me. Not that I do not wanted to be seen, but as I mentioned above, the passion for people, faded. I grew jaded.

I guess I am doing some forms of ‘help’ some how. There will always be people popping in and out of my MSN like I am yahoo search or something.

Here are some examples:
Miss E: Hey you know what’s the number for Lim Chee Guan bak gua?
Me: *flipping yellow pages* Ok, copy & paste.
Miss E: Thanks *disappeared*

Miss T: Hey you know which MRT comes first? Bedok or Toa Payoh?
Me: *check SMRT website* if you’re coming from Pasir Ris, of coz Bedok will be first. And vice versa .
Miss T: Oh geez, thanks. *poof*

Miss W: hey you happen to know any villas in Bali which had very good rates?
Me: *truly that baffles me* for a lil while
Me: *show some Bali appointed agency website* maybe you could try asking XXX travel?
Miss W: Wow, thanks. (MIA)
Life is like that. You know. I kinda become an information counter over the web. That’s okay for me. I don’t get to see them. I just hope I ain’t becoming grouchy am I? Pessimism seems to form most of my character.

Then there’s tabloids. Another reason why I hated tabloids about me so much.
Eg of there’s a rumor about you sharing a room with a lady in Tioman? Friends, people, romans, lend me your ears.

Just about anywhere I go, when I refused to share rooms with sleepers, snoozers, a realized I had little space to sleep, I would invite some gal over for a short trip. It doesn’t have to be all you seen in the TV. Guy and gal in room. SEX. Smoking after the whole deed.

I think people are stereotyping about what sharing room between opposite can be. Most of the time, it isn’t me having the complaint. If you are uncomfortable, don’t go. Forget I ever ask. I only need a bunkmate. And of course, a guy bunkmate is good. Provided he doesn’t snooze and guys are basically boring when you’re sharing a room.

They don’t make small talk, they stay quiet and watch soccer on TV and never minded you. And when they go to bed, they snore the hell outta you. So you see, the reason are plenty enough.

But those reasons for having female companion doesn’t equates to FREE SEX. Someone please get a hammer and shovel those people small-brained nature.

Then some people will pass some snide remarks like, “ how do we know…”
Then I’ll probably imagined some horrible death scenes that they’ll be experiencing soon enough.

DOES THAT MEAN I’LL HAVE TO INVITE YOU INTO MY ROOM AND WATCH US? DOES THAT SATISFY YOU?

So do I have to say,
Yeah I shared room during my trip to Genting with another female companion and we had a fun time in the casinos until I were very broke?

I shared room with another ger when I was on a company trip to Hongkong and we had a good time shopping and eating the great dimsum.

I shared room with a ger during a trip to Bangkok during my birthday, etc etc the list goes on and on.

DOES THAT MEAN I AM SLEEPING WITH THEM? Literally yes (LOL) in different areas. Dumbass.

I don’t geddit. Most of the times, when I shared room with the opposite sex, I’ll make sure there’s a 2 BED system in the room. If there is only ONE QUEEN SIZED BED, I’ll happily take the carpet floor. Or probably the COUCH. Credibility is so much at stake I felt insulted when I heard those remarks.

Tabloids can be good. But most of the times, the tabloids I had were pretty bad enough. Then I’ll mum up and rather write down on it. You see, I also isn’t a very argumentative person. I lose out a big deal on the glib of tongue.

Actually today I was surfing the net and suddenly my msn popped up and Miss E came to chat. I was chatting halfway and she blurted out.

“hello, the whole world knows you had a gf!??” (probably heard from one of those wandering tongues)

So I have to say one final time. Tabloids can be good. And it can go… real bad.

Until one day my insecurities don’t get the better of me. I’ll get a gf. And I’ll marry her. and I wont have to think about waiting for one person I been dreaming about for the past few years. And I won’t have to share rooms with opposite sex anymore.

And so will the tabloids end? I hope so. I certainly hope so.

People doesn’t need to know how good Jackie Chan kungfu is, people just wanna know if Jackie chan been unfaithful and stuff that Jackie chan is bad in. that applys to everyone around the world. Write that down.

We all are mere mortals, does it benefit you if you had to push me this way?

Thus end the insecurity topic that Mr east ever written from his black damn heart.

P:S: I wasn’t angry when I write this entry. I was just pretty riled up.