人缘

人缘好不代表周边的人都会对你好。

你当他或她是一块钱时，可能对方只给你五毛。

我想有时，我太努力讨好别人。却对自己太残忍。

尽力去帮助人不是书上有教吗？不是有好报吗？

要恨，就恨书上没教的。但亲身体验的，付出的代价可能比较高。

令人失望的人生经验。

有时人，真的很丑。

我应该改变。真害怕会变得如何。

MSN & Insecurities

Life somehow had taken a different turn for me. When I was a young aspiring chap, I sought to solve every friend problems, be it personal or professional. Then when you realized nobody gonna ever thank you if you settled it for them. Or just plain ungrateful, bit by bit, the passion I had for people faded.

It wasn’t drastic, but gradual. It ebbed and ebbed like a wave from the sea, drawing everything back to my inner most self. The wall of insecurity build up to protect from people who never fails to schemes, the world start calling you.. “ANTI-SOCIAL”.

How much I had done for people around me. Nobody knows. How much I have achieved, I dare not count. I seek no compensation, but appreciation, and received none.

Like the scene from the movie KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, the king of Jerusalem tells Orlando Bloom, “protect the people in your lands, and if so one day I am incapable of protecting myself, perhaps one day I would need your help of protection too”

I need people to save me sometimes. I am afterall, but a mere mortal.

Working life drifted in, the young 20-something coming to a big 3-O. social circle become smaller, work become loaded, and finances came as heavy as the clouds on a rainy day.

MSN become my solitude to the world. The only place I could be reachable when you couldn’t see me. Not that I do not wanted to be seen, but as I mentioned above, the passion for people, faded. I grew jaded.

I guess I am doing some forms of ‘help’ some how. There will always be people popping in and out of my MSN like I am yahoo search or something.

Here are some examples:
Miss E: Hey you know what’s the number for Lim Chee Guan bak gua?
Me: *flipping yellow pages* Ok, copy & paste.
Miss E: Thanks *disappeared*

Miss T: Hey you know which MRT comes first? Bedok or Toa Payoh?
Me: *check SMRT website* if you’re coming from Pasir Ris, of coz Bedok will be first. And vice versa .
Miss T: Oh geez, thanks. *poof*

Miss W: hey you happen to know any villas in Bali which had very good rates?
Me: *truly that baffles me* for a lil while
Me: *show some Bali appointed agency website* maybe you could try asking XXX travel?
Miss W: Wow, thanks. (MIA)
Life is like that. You know. I kinda become an information counter over the web. That’s okay for me. I don’t get to see them. I just hope I ain’t becoming grouchy am I? Pessimism seems to form most of my character.

Then there’s tabloids. Another reason why I hated tabloids about me so much.
Eg of there’s a rumor about you sharing a room with a lady in Tioman? Friends, people, romans, lend me your ears.

Just about anywhere I go, when I refused to share rooms with sleepers, snoozers, a realized I had little space to sleep, I would invite some gal over for a short trip. It doesn’t have to be all you seen in the TV. Guy and gal in room. SEX. Smoking after the whole deed.

I think people are stereotyping about what sharing room between opposite can be. Most of the time, it isn’t me having the complaint. If you are uncomfortable, don’t go. Forget I ever ask. I only need a bunkmate. And of course, a guy bunkmate is good. Provided he doesn’t snooze and guys are basically boring when you’re sharing a room.

They don’t make small talk, they stay quiet and watch soccer on TV and never minded you. And when they go to bed, they snore the hell outta you. So you see, the reason are plenty enough.

But those reasons for having female companion doesn’t equates to FREE SEX. Someone please get a hammer and shovel those people small-brained nature.

Then some people will pass some snide remarks like, “ how do we know…”
Then I’ll probably imagined some horrible death scenes that they’ll be experiencing soon enough.

DOES THAT MEAN I’LL HAVE TO INVITE YOU INTO MY ROOM AND WATCH US? DOES THAT SATISFY YOU?

So do I have to say,
Yeah I shared room during my trip to Genting with another female companion and we had a fun time in the casinos until I were very broke?

I shared room with another ger when I was on a company trip to Hongkong and we had a good time shopping and eating the great dimsum.

I shared room with a ger during a trip to Bangkok during my birthday, etc etc the list goes on and on.

DOES THAT MEAN I AM SLEEPING WITH THEM? Literally yes (LOL) in different areas. Dumbass.

I don’t geddit. Most of the times, when I shared room with the opposite sex, I’ll make sure there’s a 2 BED system in the room. If there is only ONE QUEEN SIZED BED, I’ll happily take the carpet floor. Or probably the COUCH. Credibility is so much at stake I felt insulted when I heard those remarks.

Tabloids can be good. But most of the times, the tabloids I had were pretty bad enough. Then I’ll mum up and rather write down on it. You see, I also isn’t a very argumentative person. I lose out a big deal on the glib of tongue.

Actually today I was surfing the net and suddenly my msn popped up and Miss E came to chat. I was chatting halfway and she blurted out.

“hello, the whole world knows you had a gf!??” (probably heard from one of those wandering tongues)

So I have to say one final time. Tabloids can be good. And it can go… real bad.

Until one day my insecurities don’t get the better of me. I’ll get a gf. And I’ll marry her. and I wont have to think about waiting for one person I been dreaming about for the past few years. And I won’t have to share rooms with opposite sex anymore.

And so will the tabloids end? I hope so. I certainly hope so.

People doesn’t need to know how good Jackie Chan kungfu is, people just wanna know if Jackie chan been unfaithful and stuff that Jackie chan is bad in. that applys to everyone around the world. Write that down.

We all are mere mortals, does it benefit you if you had to push me this way?

Thus end the insecurity topic that Mr east ever written from his black damn heart.

P:S: I wasn’t angry when I write this entry. I was just pretty riled up.

Salesman comes calling

Guess what? Terrence just called and said my bank loan had been approved prior to the $2,500 top-up bid for my COE. And ON APRIL 2007, I will absolutely be a proud owner of my own automobile. (Nicked my black wifey, shall I call her N? =x just kidding...)

Prolly see it in Late June or July. Go to Taipei first before paying (till I die) for the next 10 yrs.

P:S: and stupid milk thinks I strike ToTo or something! INSTALMENTS OK!!! *BLHEZ*

Guess what I bought?

Osim ipen. Pretty cool stuff.
Retail @ S$68.00 now on promo at S$29.90.

Keeps those aching fingers from clutching your pen too often. Nicely crafted.
Gonna get it engraved later on. heez

Taipei here I come!

So as expected. One of my friend did fly my plane. Which really proven my point when I spoke to Etel last week. Quite disappointing to know that some friend you known a long time actually did this to you when everyone is suppose to be enthusiastic about it.

At least, I still have Milky, Amos (Painx2) with me for the trip.

I had spoken to my Taiwanese friend, Peipei, someone I never seen in my entire life of skype-ing with her. I knew her for like 2 years but never made an attempt to meet up with her. Now is the chance. Peipei even volunteered to bring me and my friends around by taking leave. HOW SWEET!

We arranged to leave on 11th May for a 5D4N trip. But I must say, the EVA air timing really sucks. You left at 1pm in the noon and reach Taipei at 5pm? (waste half a day) then when you return you are supposed to take a morning flight back? (Waste one entire day and no last min shopping)

So I guess its gonna be like 3 FULL DAYS and one half days of touring. (Might need to speak to Peipei about shortening the itinerary. )

Ahhh, NATAS Fair 2007 did gave me some sweet memories too. I saw one of the girl which I had a crush on when I was in my teens. Pretty short and sweet memories. But I had changed so much I doubt she remember me. I still remember her name. Lijun. Saw her with another galfriend, then disappeared amongst the crowd. Really sweet memories.

Anyway, coming May I’ll be flying there for a short holidays, if you guys need me to get you something from Taiwan, do drop me a message ok!

Sister & Chengdu

A lot of you folks doesnt know I have sisters. Do you?

Perhaps you knew.

I have 2 elder sisters. one already married, moved out of the house, selling jewellery in Bugis Junction. the other one. a beit problematic.

you see, she's really engrossed in being a bummer. reminds of a bummer friend of mine, except that he's male of coz lolx.

She really gave me a lot of headaches. she was orginally working comfortably in Ministry of Manpower, and one day she decide to pack her desk and proclaim 'retirement'.

Her reason?

"It not a lot (of money) anyway. and the scholars are really the one having a bright future there. we're merely helpers"

Stoic, cruel fact. How can anyone deny this statement anyway? but I have to says, "who are you to say QuITS? "

My dad isnt going anywhere. Gambler, womaniser. Been there done that. Ended up the family in debts because of him. Ended up having a bad name for Chua because of him. list goes on.

When sis quitted, mum is only working as a pantry maid in an MNC. that old fool is working to redeem his debts. whois gonna support her? ME? (dream on)

After her MOM stint, i remember vividly she spend most of her days sleeping away. quite unproductive activities. but if she doesnt hold out her hand to ask for a cent from mom, I 'll really keep silent abt it. Mom's money come from me, if she ask for it, I'm gonna chop off her hands.

-so it was quite fortunate she did not ask her for a cent-

then one day she told the whole family she's going into...

INSURANCE.

"great" I tell myself. "So she's gonna become a self-employed".

INSURANCE AGENT. the name becoming so dirty and over-used and everyon who head this term will have a tendency to say GOODBYE to whoever is doing this line. so much so, the insurance companies collaborated and called the new job title...

FINANCIAL PLANNERS. (pretty much the same old shit but the packaging had changed)

For the 1st month she joined this line, I WAS HER FIRST CUSTOMER. (WOW I AM AMAZED) Ask me about insurance agent payout and I'll tell you. its like MLM gone legal. anyway MLM is legal. this is about a bunch of lower end agents getting money for the company and the other people who reaped from this, is the directors and CEO.

-Call yourself a self-employed- BECAUSE YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN WORKING HRS THAT ALL.

You ask a client to buy a OA investment using CPF. maybe a couple of hunds in cheque ONCE-OFF. you ask a client to buy investment using REAL CASH, perhaps more. but you need to hit like what? 10-20 ppl per mth to earn a decent living? if you can do that, yeah you're the top earners.

A lot of people in this line, MLM, insurance, financial etc. Had a lot of motivation talks (I call this brainwashing) to make people feel like working their asses off so they could own a Ferrarri or buy a condo. I guess my unfortunate sis is one of 'em.

The job lasted a year. her customers? Me, mum, dad, some relatives. End of story. No contacts in this line, you can eat shit.

Our accounts was passed around like football. because those assholes claimed to take care of your investment because you bloody make them buy from you. and all you had in those pieces of crap papers is your fucking agent name on it.

I not sure if those makes you feel good. but as they always say, you need suckers in this world to feel better about yourself or make a living. another cruel fact of life. write that down.

So she bummed around again. FOR AN entire year. really I wondered. how can anyone bummed around for an entire year without any goals?

One year passed quickly and soon enough, she says she found a job in SAFRA. Admin asst.

"GOOD" I think. she's beginning to wise up and face the fact that only by working humbly you can get on with life. because you're aint a elite or scholar material, you'll really have to content yourself by working as a second fiddle.

it was quite good initially. but the problem with bummers, you rested too long. its eating inside you. you find the working hrs exhaustive and you find yourself yearning for bed and nap.

So it begins. the constant lamenting of "I had migraine, I need to take MC". "Too long hrs I need a break" those kinda excuses.

A few MC's is pretty fine to me. Its not my life. I just thought how could the company take such patience on those people who kept giving MCs?

the final straw came unexpectedly. I was doing my reservist and elder sis sms-ed me like 12am during the 2nd day of my ICT.

"S in hospital. Overdosage of medication, come quick."

Man, I could tell you, I never cry out loud in my entire life ever since N left. I aint gonna do it now. of coz i nvr cried. but i couldnt help teary-eyed that nite. I wore my uniform, march straight up to my Commanding officer and explained I ned to get to the hospital right away.

A fella sergeant friend volunteered to drive me to the hospital. a lot of things running through my mind during the journey there.

"what she did?" "did some guy broke her heart or something?" "overdosed? what pills?" "GAWD PLS DUN DIE!"

So I reached the hospital and what FUCKING PISSED ME OFF.

She made MUM CRY. So i saw mum, red-eyed, tearfully told me sis is in intensive right now, getting her stomach pumped. Khoo (My fella sgt) bid me gdbye and left me with my family. we had a fitful rest that night.

That day I was told, she was overdosed on some muscle relaxant that used to fought her nagging migraine. she overdosed on it and puked all over the room and fell unconscious. THOSE DaMN MCs she took to gave herself a trip to the hospital!

We came round the next morning, there she was, cheerfully says, HI GOOD MORNING!"

I erupted.

In the C class ward with about 16 patients, I shouted. "GOOD WHAT F**KING MORNINNG?" You took your MC pills, you went into hospital which isnt necessary and you made your mum cry, disturb my reservist and make me so MALU in front of the officer by weeping for you and all you could say is GOOD F**KING MORNING?

Mum was shocked. Nurse turned her head and looked at me sternly. Sis was silent. it was like a graveyard for that 30 secs before I was whisked out of the ward.

Mum was telling me to keep my cool and I told her "lOOk you dont understand, i know you loved her but that isnt the way to handle someone who is suppose to take responbility for her own health!"

so she tried to pacified me by telling me we're in the hospital and there are other patients around. better keep my cool etc etc. I spoke my mind. I felt alright.

So that day, I found numerous smses (Send msgs to her senior in SAFRA). dirt came out. pretty much dirt. she took MC's like a chain MC. (means she take MC one day and go again the next day, and took 'em again) I would sack her if I am her employer.

I called up her colleagues and asked if her work is overloading or is she facing any stress? her colleague say no. nothing of the sorts. and SAFRA even gave her a GET-WELL basket the next day. (I think the company is too good to her)

So she quitted the following day she was discharged. Blaming me for causing her embrassment in her workplace. (actually she already wanted to quit that day before she was in hosptial, i saw her sms to seek tender of resignation)

I totally gave up on her.

So after this episode, it was like 2006? She bummed ANOTHER FULL YEAR which is 2007 now. and still jobless. Like i said, I totally gave up.

So relatives recently wanted to set up a textile business in China and found they needed someone they can trust over in Chengdu. So they came over and speak to my mum, and sis was equally excited. mum was silent while I was elated. I told them if sis could make it in China, that would be great.

(I could sense that mum doesnt want sis to be away from her for so long) I guess all mothers do feel this way.

I told her " She had been resting for so many yrs. I think you should let her go"

"If she cannot make it, at least she tried and come back with more experience. If you (m0m) never even give her one chance to try, I think you're not giving her hope at all."

-I also mentioned I'll cut her monthly allowances ( =x ) because I saw her giving sis MY MONEY-

This family is in disarray, the last thing I ever wanted was to see a bummer, womaniser and mum struggling to feed herself. So I went all out, to ensure sister will go to Chengdu.

And that is my last brotherly love I had for her. If Singapore isnt the place for her, maybe overseas will enlighten her on how ppl in China toiled hard just to earn a living. Maybe she'll come back inspired and raring to work again? then again, Who knows if you nver try? Right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a lighter note which I really hate to mention: Sgt Khoo was telling me in msn

K: remember last year in reservist?

Me: yeah?

K: Could you imagine if I tell your men, Sgt east CRY IN THE OC OFFICE LAST YEAR, I wonder how the men will feel?"

Me: ...

Me: OK DINNER ON ME. MEDIA BLOCKOUT OK! F**KINSHIT.

K: OK!

P:S But I really didnt cry LA!!!!

IT FAIR 2007

I had never missed any of the IT Fair for the past 3 years. No reason to be missing this one.

As usual the crowds is a killer, I spend a day off on MC to go and visit the fair on Thursday. (Luckily my boss duno lolxx)

But it beats taking an MC going to buy MAYDAY tickets right HAHA! (just joking joey)

Wow the models so chio there! There's the chio Nikon Model so pretty I couldnt help taking a snapshot of her. (From afar)

then there's the Canon and Olympus models which wasnt too bad. but too bad I didn't see Kanny the famous blogger model who is always in those shows. and Cassandra didnt turn up this year.

I didnt expect to buy anything. I was like merely browsing. but it didnt help because seeing people lugging laptops, cameras, LCDs, printers, I CANT HELP MYSELF FROM BUYING!

So in the end, the Samsung booth was sounding out some really cool discount from the PA system, I ventured to take a look...

and I fell in love.

No, not the ladies at the counter DUMBASS.

its the YP-K3 Mp3 player. (See inset)

OMG its so sleek its so nice and its black! You heard of the LG chocolate phone right? They're using the same technology, heat sensored buttons to activate the controls. pretty cool stuff. Blue light emitting from the black surface. only cons is that it is way too smooth and prone to scratches. you'll probably need to spend another amount to get it wrapped up, completely. and its having a $10 off so I grabbed it anyway. 200hundred over dollars only. pretty cheap for a sleek Mp3.

then I went to the back and saw eastgear (Company name) is selling GPS navigation software for S$99.00. (I kinda think its damn exp) so in order to entice the buyers, they bundled the Malaysia & Singapore map together for S$199 and you get a GPS receiver free.

It looks too good to be missed. Having the GPS integrated into my PDA and placing the receiver in the car would prevent people like me from losing my way on the roads again. COOL!!!

Its those voice integrated system. it will read out "Turn left into PIE" and other directional instructions. pretty sophiscated stuffs. that explains why this software is pretty expensive.

-So I bought it-

I bought a thumbdrive 1gB for $19.90 from a booth there. Kinda cheap. In the end I gave it away to a malay colleague of mine whom helped me booked a chalet in Sembawang sometimes ago. More like a Thank-you-repayment. hehe (I had to lie to him and say i won this in the IT fair so he could accept it =x )

and lastly I bought a 80GB HDD portable. something I wanted long ago. You see, desktop is dying recently. I was thinking its time to back up those files and I would need plenty of space to do that. pretty cheap, $105?

It was an eventful day, chiobus to see, gadgets to buy. and best of all, no weekend crowds!

St James Grand Official Opening

Yup, I was there. A grand event indeed. The VIP for the opening was Minster for Defence, Teo Chee Hean.

I never expected Dennis Foo (mastermind of St James and Devil’s bar) to hold a grand opening when every pub already had its own opening way before this. But I guess it’s a marketing gimmick yeah?

First time stepping inside Boiler Room and was surprised to know that Tiger Live and Boiler room share the same dancefloor but different operating hours only. Smart of those people to think of this.

I saw some celebrities. The Malaysian Twins, May and Choy or something like that. Chew Sin Huey and Chen Weilian. The Superband folks and Sylvester Sim.

There were fireworks and displays in Powerhouse that night. Free flow from 7pm-11pm. I am glad to have some female company along. *HEEHEE* with milk, amos and Richard. We had a great time on a Monday night. Pretty weird to say the least, when we are supposed to be miserable on the prospect of working tomorrow.

But, we really felt very high and happy that night.

We have arranged to go again this coming Friday, hope to have a good time there again.

Sighz... far from it (Failed bid)

Was logged on to LTA COE bidding from morning till it closes at 4pm. At S$12K, it way too high. No wonder Terrence didn't call.

I am but, a pale shadow of my former excitment. Still, 5 more bid chances to go. Hope I get lucky before September ends...

Planning an overseas trip to get rid of the bad mood, and probably forget the car for a little while. it'll come it'll come.

Taiwan or Melbourne? Anyone?

The day the Leo sign beckons…

I was reading this on TODAY when something jolts me out of my usual slumber.

LEO (July 23 – Aug 22)
.
If you really care about someone from your past or someone you recently met, make an all-out effort to be with this person. If you are already in a relationship, let your passionate side take over. Don't overspend in the process.

I was very disturbed by this statement. What does the horoscope mean? Does it have a hidden meaning?

I didn’t meet anyone recently, so it must be someone from the past.

MAKE AN ALL-OUT EFFORT TO BE WITH THIS PERSON? LET YOUR PASSIONATE SIDE TAKE OVER?

A lot of old memories jolted back bit by bit. It must be traumatizing to relive the old memories back as the bus rumbles on. I’m starting to feel headache… and heartache at the same time.

Then it reminded me of HER. the one from MANY YEARS AGO. Does the zodiac means her? (No answer in the newspaper)

I looked out of the bus in despair, trying to figure out what it actually means… then someone’s mobile starting ringing to the tune of "TRULY MADLY DEEEPLY". It was a Nokia N80.

Of all mobile phones I should be encountering, it had to be a NOKIA N80! Does the horoscope means, I should go back looking for the gal whom left 4 years ago?

I was quite apprehensive about this actually.

“It’s a sign cant you see?”(My mind was screaming)
“Finally you can get back to where you ended and have a happy life again!” (so the f**king mind said)

-So you see, I was deeply disturbed the whole morning over this-

Many of my friends sensed this in my msn and starting pouring advices, of course, snide remarks included. (LOL)

S: “surely you can’t just let all this superstition gets to your head? Its just some stupid people writing about stuffs to make you feel better, that’s all!”
Me: “so what you mean is, there is some person in the newspaper agency whom just write a thing or two to raise people’s hope up for a buck or two and actually don’t meant what they say?”
S: “yeah.”

Milk is more logical when he msn-ed me.
M: “If you go and find her after so many years, a bit funny tio bo?” (He’s always the hokkien friend you can count on)

Rachie had been ultra-supportive.
R: “I am sure if you do not get it out of your system, you’ll definitely regret it.”
R: “You need any answer right? Find out how she had been doing? You have her contacts?”

Xinhui is very blunt as usual.
OXH: “You’ll definitely be disappointed.”

After so many years of waiting, it takes just one horoscope to f**k with my mind. And raised my hope skies high and then it plummet to the floor with one sickening “thud”.

Sometimes, for that bit of time I have left in my congested mind, I’ll think of her, wonder how she is doing, is she doing well, is she having a good time etc. then a hint of sadness wells up in my eyes, which I had gotten used to brush it away.

Back to facing the real world. Like nothing ever happened.

Perhaps I was over-reacting afterall.